The 2strokeBuzz vs. MP3.com trials

by Bryan Noise

Bryan Noise is an editor of 2strokeBuzz and not a professional writer or musician. Bands insulted by this column should know that Bryan's band is even worse than theirs, which still doesn't make their band any better.

Do you have no money? Are you too poor to buy the new Guided by Voices single? Well, if you're reading this, you're on the Web, and if you're on the Web, there's free music to be had!

With Lars Ulrich breathing down my neck, I abandoned Napster for the time being and went straight to MP3.com to see what kind of scootering music I could dredge up. "MP3.com?" you ask, "Isn't that where crappy basement bands give their music away when no label would ever touch them?" Yes, that's pretty much true, at least that's why my band is there. But there is a good tune here and there, if you don't mind wading around a bit. And in this case, I even did the wading for you!

I typed in a few keywords: "Lambretta" yielded nothing. "Vespa" surprisingly culled only one band and one song. "Scooter" brought up a couple dozen bands and songs, from which i scientifically decided which sounded interesting. The results of these several seconds of research follow:

Band: Rythymethod
Song "Vespa"

The first click took me to Brooklyn's Rythymethod, not to be confused with the other dozen bands with that sad pun of a name. They cite P-Funk, Prince, and Steely Dan as influences, I'd say they're heaviest on the Steely Dan. Their song "Vespa" was one of the few I found on MP3.com that was actually about scooters, in this case a narrative about riding a Vespa around town. It was funky in a subdued european way, and while the jamming got a little noodly at times, it wasn't as bad as Phish or anything. Their artwork had Vespas in it, and judging by the lyrics, someone in the band has at least ridden a scooter before, although no other mention was made in their bio.

Band: Vespa

A group named after the Vespa has to be good, right? Well, the three songs by Vespa weren't bad, but seemed to be pretty run-of-the mill european house music and not scooter-related at all. Vespa is a guy named Arhus from Denmark armed with keyboards and sequencers. I'm no house music fan, but I liked it, It reminded me of "Vogue" and "Ray of Light" by Madonna, mixed together, without vocals. It was mellow and relaxing, and I guess repetition isn't a crime in house music. There was no reference to scooters ouside of the band's name, so maybe he's a big fan of Italian wasps.

Artist: Scooter Boy
Song "Scooter Boy"

This had to be the weirdest song I found, although it was a close race. Scooter Boy is another one-man "band," Adam Varga of Troy, NY. His accapella tribute to a mentally unstable superhero named Scooterboy sounds like a five-year-old making up a story as he goes along, but it actually appears to be carefully planned, rehearsed and overdubbed with "Walk-on the Wild Side" doo-doo-dooos. His homepage contains a manifesto called "Scooter Boy: the Birth, the Process, and Afterthoughts," a much-too-detailed background of the song that also explains that the scooter in question is a Sharper Image pushscooter. I couldn't bear to listen to his other song, "Hidden Track," but i applaud anyone brave enough to follow their dream, however weird it may be.

Artist: Scooter
EP: Take Me With You

OK, now we're getting somewhere. This trio of self-proclaimed "Nerd Rockers from Houston" come closer to the music most of us like, good ol' punk rock. While they bravely cite "(newer) Blink 182" as influences--who ever thought we'd live to see that day?--they're a little sloppier and more emo, and better, if only because they're not on the MTV awards yet. None of their songs are about scooters, but they're one of the few decent bands I've heard on MP3.com. I emailed guitarist Mary MagDalene to ask if they were scooterists, and she answered: "I must confess, although we all aspire to own a scooter one day, no one in the band does. Nor do we know jack shit about scooters. But we DO know that they are cool, AND I have ridden on one somewhat recently for the first time. It was purple and pretty." In any case, they're in the right frame of mind, and I'll have a full interview with these "sellouts of tomorrow." posted soon.

Artist: Tom and Dave's New Scooter
Song: "The Soda and Beer Song"

The only song posted by this Salem, NH duo is a tribute to beverages that sounds like the vocal stylings of MTV weirdo Tom Green backed by an unplugged Sebadoh or Apples in Stereo. An anthem for some generation or other, though it's hard to say which.

Artist: Scooter Rock
Album: Funk For A Dead Generation

Scott "Scooter Rock" Hammond, a Nashville artist with a backgound in punk and rap bands, fortunately took the Beck path for his solo career, and while's he's no Beck, he's a hell of a lot better than all the Limp Bizkits out there. He appears to be working towards a career in music, with a professional aviator-shades-and-cowboy-shirt promo picture, well-edited press release, and a list of radio appearances. While the music's not bad at all, he just seems a little bit too eager to be a rock star. His raps and beats are OK, but there's not the soul there of a Jon Spencer or even a a G. Love. That said, again, he's better than many of the thousand Beck clones on MP3.com, and he's worth a listen. If you really like him, you could add to his total MP3.com DAM CD sales of $23.99.

Artist: Scooter Scudieri

This was, by far, the worst thing I was ever forced to endure in the name of journalism. It was also the most "professonal" artist I found. Let his own profile speak for itself: "His live performance is delivered with an intensity that comes from a true passion for the music"... "This is not background music for your local haunt, Scudieri's songs demand full attention"... "transformed his art into a career"... "Scudieri's long track record includes three independent releases, two singles in rotation on seventy-five radio stations, and seven years of college and club tours opening for such national acts as The Dave Matthews Band, Widespred (sic) Panic and NRBQ." Ugh. Scooter Scudieri plays bland hippie folk-rock with heinous breathy vocals. He has absolutely no soul and he is trapped in a horrible classic-rock world where only a chance double-bill with a fledgling Dave Matthews Band, probably eight years ago in a college bar, keeps his pathetic dream of headlining stadium tours alive while he tours Borders Books. The sad part is, twenty years ago, his scheme might have worked. God bless Nirvana. Cut your hair.

Band: Tales from the Birdbath
Song: Scooter Boy

Hey, another song called "Scooter Boy!" Led by Ean Hernandez, late of a band called Sicko, Tales from the Birdbath are a Pacific Northwest outfit with an album on Empty Records. Empty's been around forever--always the bridesmaid, never the bride as K, Sub Pop, and Estrus took turns dominating the scene--but with a few great releases. TFTB's album "Baron von Birdbath" might be one of them. Their songs posted on MP3.com were all pretty great. "Scooter Boy," another scooter superhero song (who knew it wold become a genre?) is a catchy pop-punk song, definitely worth downloading and putting on mix tapes, but promise me you'll also check out the song "Olympia."

So, in conclusion, my picks would be Scooter and Tales from the Birdbath, the two punk bands. Rythym Method (if they change their name) and Scooter Rock would be tied for third, Vespa is fourth, and the rest are for the adventurous only, which is not to say they're bad (well, Scooter Scudieri is), but they probably wouldn't fit in too well at a rally. In any case, hopefully MP3.com will survive its lawsuits and continue to provide an alternative to the recording industry machine, giving entirely unmarketable artists like Adam Varga an outlet and allowing lesser-known bands an (admittedly slim) chance at a nationwide audience.



©2000 2strokeBuzz and contributors. What is 2strokeBuzz?
Submissions, comments and questions: Contact illnoise@2strokeBuzz