The 2SB Guide to Football

by Bryan Noise

This is an unseen gem by Bryan from the "lost issue."

I promise the issue #4 PDF will be up soon.
As if any of you care.

Note: Don't try this at home. But if you do, take some pictures and send 'em in.

The world’s most popular sport also seems to be the favorite sport of many scooterists. Since the MLS is only in a few cities and rarely televised, and following the European Leagues is tough (although there’s something kind of “worldly” about watching a Croatian player on an German team swear–in Spanish–at a Dutch player on an English team on a Mexican TV station in the United States), most scooterists’ love of soccer takes the form of wearing Newcastle United jerseys and playing the occasional pick-up game.

There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, and if anyone ever asks you about it, there’s a slim chance they’ll know much about it either, so you can bullshit your way through—the same way you do with boring American sports.

Maybe soccer is so popular because when it comes down to it, all you really need in order to play is a ball and a few friends. Here are some variations 2stroke Buzz has developed to add spice to the classic game. Enjoy, and don’t blame us! And whatever you do, don't support Man United!

The Pitch
Muddy, broken-bottle-littered field with large bonfire in center circle. Vocational school lawn with large boulders strewn about. Anywhere scooters can go.
“These two P’s here, and the Serveta and the blue tent.” (or mark with tiki torches.) Those two rocks, and that rock and that case of Old Milwaukee. Something very soft.
Two (the host club v. everyone else). Two (hungover skinheads vs. hungover mods). Two is definitely plenty. (Vespas v. Lammies?)
per side
3 to 300, depending on the size of the rally. Did you see Braveheart? 3 to 11, rotating in extra players as players run off to hurl all over the geraniums. 3 to 11, rotating in extra players as players pass out from fumes.
Sambas or wet All-Stars.
Shin guards are thoroughly optional.
Dr. Martens. Dr. Martens. Big Dr. Martens. With steel toes.
Start with the really expensive leather official FA ball and when that one goes up in flames, use the cheap one. Scoot over to Toys-R-Us and buy the cheapest one there. You’ll never see it again. Something cheap and kinda flat so it doesn’t roll too far away.
Any player who knocks over a scooter gets a red card. Play stops for a ten-minute rest every six minutes. Try not to spill your beer or drop your cigarette. Yeah, right. If you must have rules, use the rules from Robot Wars.
A flaming ball is easier to see at night. Try coating it with lighter fluid or racing fuel. If you pass out in the parking lot the night before, you won’t be late for the game. Goalies generally outscore strikers. Good luck. I’d opt for a thrashed Vespa 50 unless you’re looking to cash in on insurance for your newly restored GS. Then again, Lammies are heavier…
“Tighten Up,” by Archie Bell and the Drells on the DJ's Sound System. “Tubthumping,” by Chumbawamba on someone’s car stereo. “Rumble,” by Link Wray, on a boombox duct-taped to someone’s rear rack.

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