Spaceballs Is a Scooter Movie

by Dave Reidy

Dave Reidy has been forced to endure hours of me talking about scooters. He's also an editor and co-founder of Dezmin.com, an online literary journal. Dave obviously has no clue who wears the creative pants in The Who.

Dear "scooter people,"

Through my contact with various members of innumerable "scooter clubs" across the Midwest since I moved to Chicago, I have discovered that a key source of entertainment, excitement, and self-worth is drawn by the members of these clubs from the appearances of scooters (or references to scooters) in pop culture. As one might initially expect, books, movies, articles, and zines about scooters are publicized and propagated furiously by scooter club members through a word-of-mouth movement that rivals the oral tradition of the Navajo for its persistence against a culture indifferent to its content and needs. For example, Who film and cult classic QUADROPHENIA is a "scooter movie" by virtue of the scooter's vital role in the film as a symbol of emerging teen independence and rebellion. Never have scooter club members felt so accepted and loved, or perhaps, better able to commiserate with the senselessly marginalized, than during a viewing of this Roger Daltrey brain child.

However, the madness does not stop there. If a scooter, or reference to a scooter, so much as appears in a popular book or movie, entire clubs hop on their lawnmowers and head en masse to the nearest movie house or library to take in the reference, and bask in the glow of momentary societal approval of their obsession. So, movies like THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY become "scooter movies" because wünderkind Matt Damon flits about on an Italian-made model from time to time during the film's second half, though scooters play little or no role in the film's plot.

My question is the following: is it fair to group an obvious scooter-centric movie like QUADROPHENIA with a pretender, scooter-ploitation film like THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY? Can't scooter club member see they are being pandered to and manipulated by the marketing geniuses who covet their fortunes?

The answer I receive time and time again is, "Yes, idiot, there are scooters in both of them, so they're both scooter movies." I counter patiently with, "What if the talented Mr. Ripley had simply MENTIONED scooters in passing? Would it be a scooter movie?" I am met with the scooter club rejoinder, "Fuck yeah. Jeez. Don't get so wrapped up in it.
You're not even in a club. Jeez!"

To that, I have little counter. I am not in a club (though not through lack of trying). And, I am indeed "wrapped up in it." But not so wrapped up as I am in my latest quest: to add Mel Brooks' classic Star Wars spoof SPACEBALLS to the canon of scooter movies. Where are the scooters in SPACEBALLS you ask? Sure, you remember the flying Winnebago, but scooters?

The Princess of the Druids, Bill Pullman's love interest, a character with dozens upon dozens of lines and a key plot role, IS NAMED VESPA! VESPA, PEOPLE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? The king of the scooter companies has had its name borrowed by a pop culture figure! Scooter people, I beg you to take note that the great Mel Brooks has smiled upon you and your interest! Certainly this allows SPACEBALLS to join MR. RIPLEY in the catalogue of scooter films. Surely there should be a viewing scheduled at some house in Galewood in the next week! Undeniably there should be little statues of Yogurt or Dark Helmet next to the plastic or die-cast Vespa scooter figurines that occupy the desk-space of working scooter club members everywhere!

I admit that I have no place to say what should and should be a scooter movie in the eyes of a real, authentic, hallowed scooter club member. But I implore you to listen to my voice crying from the wilderness.

May your scooters always run well.

May they run so fast, in fact, that you go plaid.

May the Schwartz be with you.

Dave Reidy


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